When Dreams Don’t Come True

What do you do when your dreams don’t come true? That’s something I’ve had to ask myself a lot the last couple of years, and I think I’ve finally come out the other side, which is a huge accomplishment when you’ve been wanting the same things since you were about thirteen. Life can be surprising and unpredictable. Most of the time, it’s not as simple as having a beating heart like Cinderella, or determination like Belle. Sometimes, you have to change course and adapt.

So, what are the dreams I had to let go of recently? I’m glad you asked. I remember wanting to be anything and everything when I was little. My mom said I wanted to be a doctor, but as an adult, I struggle to watch the nurse draw blood samples. I wanted to make movies and be a director, but now I see I’m too lazy for that. Ha! Fashion designer also made the list, but I don’t have the patience for it.

After a while, I just wanted to be a stay-at-home mother and wife. I thought—still think, really—that raising children in the Lord is the greatest thing anyone could ever do. And I’d always been a romantic. Surely, if the Little Mermaid could win her prince without a word, I would do just fine. Not to mention, I wanted to write between it all. I had ideas that would last me into my thirties by the time I was a teenager. I knew I was set.

But year after year passed, and nothing happened. I never dated anyone—not for trying, and I had one book finished that really wasn’t good (I didn’t even know what point of view was yet!). I had always thought I would be married by the time I was 25. I turned 26, and still nothing. That was a difficult year of realization that my dreams would not come true after all.

I’m 28 now, and it was only last December that I really sat down thought about where my life was going. I’d had passing thoughts and shallow conversations with others, but I never seriously wrestled with the fact I needed new plans. So, after almost two years of mourning the loss of my dreams, I decided it was time to stop waiting for the magical moment when they came true. I mean, there’s not a whole lot I can do about my marital status. But there were other things I could take charge of and pursue.

Of course, I was in college the whole time my existential crisis hit. College had been a safe way for me to continue living productively until my dreams happened, and when college ended, I was forced to reevaluate everything. Once I was able to get past the various mourning stages, I could tackle the dreaded question: what next? I had experimented enough in college to know my limitations and possibilities, and I began researching where different paths might lead me and what it would take to walk them.

I realized at the climax of my journey that I was still technically waiting. I was working a part-time job and half-heartedly researching these paths. I forced myself to ask and answer questions about what I wanted, being honest with myself that the question felt selfish, confessing what I feared about each plausible decision, cutting out what I knew I didn’t want to do or physically couldn’t, etc. I wrote it all down so my brain was free to think. It was a lot to process, but I felt better afterward. After spending some time with other people, I came to a conclusion that I felt good about for the first time in years.

I returned to my little journal and wrote down my thoughts. I was ready to pursue new dreams, that still held the core of my old ones but were very different. God had been helping me trust Him with my love life. I had decided that whether He saw fit to give me a husband or not, I would trust Him to meet my needs in ways only He could. That meant I let go of my marriage plans, and that was relieving, allowing me to stop waiting for my life to happen.

I still struggle sometimes with being depressed about being single, but it’s easier to push those thoughts aside and think about all the good things around me. I have friends who are happy in relationships, and I’m happy for them instead of envying them. I can watch, read, and write about romance without having the painful desire to experience those things for myself, and then falling into depression again about how I can’t. I can truly find joy in the beauty of love without feeling contempt for it.

Something else I did was practically evaluate the kind of career I would be able and willing to perform. After all, I would have to provide for myself now that I understood marriage wasn’t an option. I researched what I was interested in, read the job descriptions, read reviews, looked at the educational and experience requirements, etc. I learned quickly I was not physically able to perform the tasks of a history interpreter, nor would it align with my third new-ish dream discussed below. I decided that becoming a professor in English and history is the path for me. Everything had been pointing me in that direction anyway, I’d just been avoiding it. After some discussions with professors and gaining experience in teaching, I felt more at peace with the idea than ever before.

Thirdly, I thought about my family plans. I still desire to be a mother. I want nothing more. I want it more than marriage, always have. When I was about seventeen, God had placed it in my heart to one day adopt children, for many reasons. I had learned a few years later as an adult that adopting as a single pringle is possible. It’s hard, but possible. So, I wrote down that once I complete my education and have a steady job, I will pursue my adopted children. Whether God brings me a husband or not, I will have these kids, and I know God will prepare us for each other.

Lastly, I will always write. I can’t stop writing, not again. God gifted me with an imagination and a love of stories, and as long as I keep Him before my stories, I will never stop writing. So, in all of this chaos of dreams, you can be sure your future favorite author will always be around. And that is where my new journey begins. I’m honestly excited about these new dreams. They’re different than before, but they still reflect who God made me to be—and that’s a wonderful feeling.

What do you do when the dreams you’d had most of your life are no longer possible? Well, you mourn them, then you learn to adapt. I discovered that is actually what growing up is about. At least part of it—another step in the process. You might wrestle with yourself, wrestle with the world, with God. Trust me, God can handle it, but don’t turn away from Him during your struggles. Instead, lean into Him more, and He will guide you with His peace that surpasses all understanding.

~ Beth