I Graduated! And…?

Hello again! Welcome back to my little corner of the internet. Let me just dust off this chair. No one’s visited this place in a while. But that’s because I’ve been a virtual recluse for the last several months. I’m finally able to open my door again and say hi to the world. Why? Because I graduated! WOO!!!!

I can’t believe after 5 years it’s over. I refrain from saying “finally” over because college held some of the best years of my life. Not to mention about one-fifth of my life. In fact, I was so upset about the end of college coming during the last year that I developed some minor depression, and I even saw a counselor about it. That was the thing I mentioned learning about myself in my previous post.

Counseling from one professional helped me uncover the fact I had depression, gave me tools on how to work with it, and then helped me bring it down to a minimum. I am a relatively happy person who doesn’t like to be chronically sad for very long, so I’m not surprised that the depression was so low or lasted such a short amount of time, but it was a wake-up call. I didn’t know it could happen to me, and it gave me a different perspective on depression.

But, that wasn’t the only thing that happened, though it was probably the lowest point. The same day the official test results came in, one of my best friends and I had our first serious argument. I felt so destroyed that day, and my roommate found me crying. She assured me that everything was going to work out, that my friend and I loved each other too much for this to be the end, and that having depression did not make me a bad Christian. I was worried about what certain people would say when they found out I was taking counseling. My roommate said that it didn’t matter what they said, what mattered was doing what I needed to help myself get better.

These words meant the world to me in that moment, and little did I know that just a couple of months later, I would be repeating them to my roommate when she was going through a difficult change in her own life. My roommate became one of my closest friends, if not the closest, during those months. Now I’m graduated and she has another year, meaning I’m leaving her and we won’t be roommates anymore, which leads me to one of the main reasons I had depression.

Every time someone brought up graduation, I dreaded it. It was the day my entire life would change. I wouldn’t be near my friends anymore, I wouldn’t have the guidance of my professors, and my routines would disappear. Graduation meant the end of a fantasy world I had been living in for five years. When I left it, who would I be? What would I do? Could I take any of that world with me when I left? In a way, I felt like I was dying, and no one understood, no one knew that every time they asked me about graduation or wanted to celebrate it they were burying me a little.

Counseling helped me find ways to understand these emotions and process them properly without simply pushing them away until I was numb. I was okay for a little while, but a couple of months later, I needed help again. I really didn’t want to go back to counseling, though, for multiple reasons. They weren’t bad or anything against counseling. The format just didn’t work long-term for my personality. Instead, I found a mentor. She helped me understand a major detail about the journey I’d been missing: I was mourning.

I’ve mentioned here before that I didn’t plan to go to college, and I always wanted my own family, to be a stay-at-home mom and wife by the age of 25. When I turned 26 and I had no car, no job, and no husband, let alone a boyfriend, I was devastated. Then I found my niche in college, made such wonderful amazing friends, and I was about to lose it all. I say I was living in a fantasy world because I knew how much my friends meant to me, but I didn’t know if they felt the same way. So many times before college I thought I had good and close friends, but as soon as our physical paths diverged, our emotional connections were lost. I thought for sure I would lose my friends as soon as graduation happened. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of everything going on.

So, I was mourning. I had suffered so much loss in my past, and not just of my dreams for myself, but my dreams for others, which I won’t go into here. Just suffice it to say there was far more emotional death than I realized or knew possible. Once I understood the fact that I could mourn without someone physically dying, I could process my emotions even more. I was able to openly talk about what was bothering me instead of simply being angry when someone mentioned graduation. I also expressed my love to my friends in letters more, being unafraid to do so, believing they were worth it. Because I was mourning, and understanding that I was, I treated my letters as goodbyes, saying everything I wanted to before it was too late. This gave me the closure I needed.

I would have been okay if that’s where the story ended, but the ending was even better than I thought possible—and it turned into a beginning. You see, because I expressed my fears, sorrows, and feelings, my inner circle grew stronger. One by one, the people I regretted leaving the most, expressed their own sorrows. They matched my love for them, and I felt more loved than I had in many years. My fantasy world became a reality. I didn’t have to assure myself that my friends were my friends. They assured me they are family, and they won’t go away easily.

I would like to take a moment to make some disclaimers. I have family, good family. Family who loves me dearly, and I know they do. They’ve been with me through all five years of college, their love is unconditional, and I am so blessed to have them. But have you ever wanted someone to love you who wasn’t immediately obligated to? Have you ever wanted someone to choose to love you for no other reason than the fact that they love you for you? Family still chooses to love you, don’t get me wrong. I know people whose families haven’t chosen to love them, and they have found new family who does. But being born into a community that loves you, and finding a community that shares your love are two different things that I don’t think I can explain.

All that to say, I no longer dreaded my graduation, and it was because of the love I shared with, not just felt for, my community. Now I am packing up and moving back home for a little while as I try to navigate an old world. I was in it for a brief time before college, and I didn’t like it nearly as much. Haha! But, here we are. Greatness doesn’t come from staying safe, and I’ve been told lots of times I’m going to do great things. Do I believe it? Well, let’s just say I like encouraging other people to be great and watching them shine. So, we’ll see.

I hope my experiences help you in some way. I want you to remember, it’s okay to do what you need to to help yourself get better. Telling people how much you love them is worth it in every way. Even if they don’t reciprocate. You’re allowed to mourn. Loss comes in so many different ways, and you have to allow yourself space to process that loss. In the end, new beginnings emerge, and you’ll be stronger for it.

~Beth