Questions

Have you ever been angry with someone that you still loved? I’m going through that right now. I’m about to get real in this post. I’m going to talk about something that most people are afraid to talk about. The thing is, I’ve been angry with God lately, for so many reasons. Still, I haven’t wavered in my faith, I still believe and trust Him, and I don’t plan on turning away, but that doesn’t mean I’m always happy.

I’m amazed sometimes at how people are so scared to question God. It’s like they believe He will smite them from the face of the earth the moment they have any moment of doubt. Thankfully, God is patient with us in those moments. He knows how hard it is to be human, to live on earth. Always remember, Jesus cried, even though He knew good things were coming.

But lately, I’ve been feeling mixtures of serious pain and petty anger. I’ve talked here about how I’m 26 and never dated, yet to have my own family is all I’ve ever wanted. Why should other people who never wanted kids have them? I have family members who struggle with physical and mental disabilities that they weren’t born with, but that occurred via small incidents several years ago. Those people should have been healed by now. We’ve prayed for them over and over again. Nothing. Why haven’t those prayers been answered? Just today (I wrote this a week ago) I found out that a sick kitty my prayer group and I have been praying for the last week, who got to go home yesterday, had seizures this morning and had to be put down.

Why? I ask that a lot. “Why, God? Why is this happening? Why are so many people hurting all the time? Why are there so many people living without basic daily necessities? Why are there people, like my friend with the kitty, who love You, serve You, never stopped believing in You when others have, why do they still have to lose so much?” I wish I could answer those questions for you, my readers, today. But I can’t. After six thousand years of human history, no one has been able to answer such questions.

Yet, somehow I know I can’t stop believing. Somehow, He’s still answering my prayers. The evidence is in my posts titled Prayer and Acceptance. Just because God has said no on certain things doesn’t mean He should be canceled.

I admit, I’ve been struggling to pray beyond the daily meal blessing. I’ve been seeing scripture and Christian music as cliched. I mean, it kind of is when it’s been commercialized so much. Think of all the Christian music you’ve heard, or the bags and journals that have Bible verses on them. They’re the same verses over and over again. We have sixty-six books in the Bible, containing over thirty thousand verses, to choose from. Why isn’t there more of a variety? But God isn’t a commercial good to buy, and I think that’s where our perception of Him is so thrown off. Seeing God as a feel-good-trend makes Him easy to throw away. For me, He’s a part of my life, He’s someone I have a relationship with. I can’t ignore him any more than I can my parents or my dog.

As with any relationship, especially one that’s meant to last a lifetime, it will have its ups and downs. It’s almost impossible for it not to. Think about it. We live in an imperfect world among imperfect people as imperfect humans. A relationship with God will not always be sunshine and roses. Heh. Come to think of it, maybe it is. I mean, in order to have roses, you have to have rain sometimes. And even the roses have thorns.

Do you see what I’m getting at? Life is hard, even with beauty. But, rain can be good too. And perhaps like rain, some troubles in life are short and passing, and like rose thorns, some linger a little longer. But we don’t destroy roses to extinction because they have thorns. Another way to look at it is, you don’t divorce your spouse because of one or three arguments. You do it because they’re unfaithful. But God hasn’t been unfaithful yet. Even amid my anger, I’m healthy, I’m safe, and I have a unique peace. He still forgives me of my sins (trust me, I’m human and still sin), and He’s been so patient with me. After all, I haven’t been smitten from the earth yet. And I’ve questioned Him out loud a lot, and been angry for several months.

It’s okay to ask God why, to express doubt, and to wonder if He’s really there. When someone tells you not to question a king, doesn’t it usually means he has something to hide? But God’s not like that. Just look at scripture. Look at Ecclesiastes and the Psalms. They are filled with human angst, yet they always find a way to praise God in the end. Look at the story of Gideon in Judges 6, and pretty much all of the story of Moses. Sarah laughed at God for promising her a child in Genesis 18. He still gave her a child. Even when Zechariah in Luke 1 doubted God would give him a son, but he wasn’t struck from the earth. He just lost his voice for nine months (Yes, that was worded to be funny. Gotta lighten the mood somehow). People who helped write the very Bible questioned God sometimes, and they weren’t erased. Why would we erase God for saying no to a few prayers?

Even as I’m angry, I know God is still saying yes to prayers. I know because I’m not as angry as I have been, I’ve been praying slightly more each week, and I’m listening to some worship music here and there again. I have some friends, people in my prayer group, who have talked with me about their spiritual lives as they are right now, and in turn, I confessed my anger. It turns out I wasn’t the only one experiencing this. They are praying for me just as I’ve been praying for them. Knowing that I’m not alone makes this season a little easier.

I want to leave you with some verses that talk about doubt. And I want you to know, you can leave comments about your own experiences. It’s okay to ask questions. God can handle that. I don’t think I’d serve Him if He couldn’t.

Psalm 13; just the whole thing. Read it; it’s only six verses. Matthew 14:30-31; Jesus didn’t leave Peter in the water for doubting, He simply gave him a hard time. 😏 Psalm 94:16-19 and 22; another time someone questioned God but knew He was still there. Mark 9:24; the dad confessed to having doubt, and Jesus didn’t shun him for it. And lastly, Galatians 6:2; I mention this one because talking with other strong Christians about my anger has helped me so much, and in my experience, fulfilling the law of Christ feels pretty good.

~ Beth