Acceptance

What do you do when the routine you worked so hard to establish is instantly taken away, and the people you were used to seeing every day are suddenly gone? What do you do when you had slowly dug a hole of depression for yourself, just deep enough that when you fell in, no one could pull you out? They reached their hands in, but you didn’t have the strength or willingness to grab on. You may have touched a few fingers, but it was never enough. What do you do?

I’m going to tell you what I did, but I’d like to clarify. I’m not a therapist, and the three times I believe I can claim to have had depression only lasted about a week each. I don’t have experience with severe depression, and this post may not help anyone, but it could help someone, and that’s why I write, to maybe help at least one person out there.

First, I want to apologize. I know I said I would post two blogs and a short story a month, and last month I failed epically. The question above is the reason why. April was the last month of the semester, and it was filled with school productions, final projects, and tutoring, all while I riding an emotional roller coaster.

I had a rigid schedule each week: Breakfast, job, class, lunch, class, study or more job, dinner, and maybe another class. I spent mealtime with my friends during the week, and there were a select few I might see a movie with on weekends. Those were my favorite moments. But in April, it hit me how little of those times we have left, both before the summer and before graduation.

I only need seven more classes to graduate, just one school year, meaning my friends would go back to their various homes, and the dreaded life after college would begin. Additionally, my favorite boss (I haven’t had many, I admit, but I know a good one when I have one) announced her retirement. Finally, the person I had grown a crush on made it clear he did not feel the same way. This all happened at the same time as I fell behind on homework, threatening my grades. I became so distraught, my friends worried about me.

It wasn’t the worst depression I’ve had. All I wanted to do was sleep and cry in my room. I found it difficult to make conversations, and I struggled to focus on anything besides what made me sad, then I’d cry again, and I couldn’t fix any of it. Though I knew I needed to pray deeper than the average meal blessing, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

What did I do? To be honest, I don’t I was the one who did anything. I kept up with my homework deadlines. I knew I had control over that, and I wanted to do my best. Perhaps that’s what started my recovery. I asked one of my closer friends for help editing my essays. I was second-guessing everything and I needed another pair of eyes. Somehow, in the middle of the emails, he gave me bits of encouraging words that meant more to me than what anyone else had said to that point, if only because he’s not the sentimental type. God used him to jump into that hole I dug and yank me out, even if he didn’t know that’s what he was doing.

It was after those emails I cried my hardest. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions I’d been trying to control. I sat on the floor, ripped an empty tissue box into pieces, and threw them into the trash one by one as my tears soaked the carpet. I asked myself, “Why do I feel like this? This is so dumb!” I mentally listed all the stuff bothering me to figure out what the catalyst was for this behavior. It all hurt, but one thing hurt more, the fact the person I liked didn’t reciprocate my feelings. I thought I was being ridiculous. Compared to everything else I was going through, and what I knew my friends and family were going through, it felt insignificant. I had to accept the fact it hurt anyway. My heart was broken, I had to cry it out, and I had to accept that was okay to do.

I acknowledged these things hurt. I accepted the feelings and let them run their course. But I also had to recognize that I was still safe. I have friends who love me, professors who believe in me, and family who couldn’t wait to have me back home. I had been ignoring them and their words, and all the while God was whispering through them.

That’s another thing that helped me through: a tender heart toward God. A sermon I heard while visiting a church the previous month was over King Josiah in II Kings 22. The pastor discussed how a tender heart is open to God’s lead. I’d changed a lot during the semester, growing closer to God. Most of that growth happened in my little dorm room (another thing that upset me. After May 6th, I would never see that room again). I wondered if I lacked conviction, if maybe I was changing too easily. But that sermon helped me realize I had a tender heart toward God, and I wasn’t letting just any idea enter that heart.

God had been whispering through my friends, even my tutees. During one tutoring session, a student in a Bible class read one of her textbook highlights out loud. It said: “Perhaps the word you need to hear from God today is this: ‘Wait for me to finish.’ In the darkness of my distress over what was broken, I had forgotten to wait in hope for God to make all things new.” I took a picture of that quote. Two days later, the email discussions took place, and that afternoon was when I accepted my feelings.

A week later, when it was time to pack up and move out, I felt sad again. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to the room I’d spent nearly nine months of my life in. By this time, I knew I needed to talk to God more. I said a quick, tiny prayer: “God, please help me.” I shed maybe three tears at the most, that was it, and it was because I felt God say: “Let it go.” He had done so much work in there, but leaving it didn’t mean that work was staying behind. It was going with me in my heart. My growth, worth, and relationships were not tied to that room. They were wrapped up in God, who was going with me.

I’m only a few days removed from the semester. So, some of these things still hurt, and I’ll have a few quiet, private tears. But I’m not in the hole anymore. I can see the sun and I’m working on a new routine and doing things I’ve been wanting and needing to do but couldn’t because of classes. Now my biggest hurdle is finding a new routine, and that feels so much easier, though it’s still hard. Haha!

Keep a tender heart toward God. Listen to His whispers. Know that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to feel them. If you feel like no one loves you, know that I already do. You are a beautiful child of God created in His image, and that’s enough. I pray that this post touches you somehow, even if it’s in the smallest way, or months down the road. And I look forward to writing more very soon.

-Beth