What do you do when you are absolutely terrified to do something important? Well, that’s the question I had to answer yesterday. What do I have to do that is so important yet terrifying? It’s something simple, really. In fact, many people don’t have a problem with it, some even want to do it. I have to give a presentation in front of a large group of strangers.
Yeah, I can’t explain it, but it scares me almost as much as that time my town had a tornado warning. My legs shook like I was in a cartoon, and they wouldn’t stop. Thankfully, my legs aren’t shaking over this presentation, but I have been wanting to sleep a lot, cry a lot, run and hide, and yell at people. I’ve had so much stress that some of my hair fell out, and I’ve had minor headaches, stomachaches, and muscle cramps. Heck, when I submitted my paper for consideration, I felt like I was going to throw up.
If this bothers me so much, why did I submit my paper? Well… two of my favorite professors wanted me to and I didn’t think it would get accepted. Jokes on me I guess, because here I am, in the car with those two professors and another student presenter, on our way to the conference.
That’s right, as I’m writing this, I haven’t done the thing yet. But don’t worry, I’ll have an update at the end of this post as to the results of the big day. I wanted to give a perspective before and after the event, because something interesting happened last night that has me only normally nervous today.
So, I knew I had to face my fears. I went to my favorite place of prayer and sat alone in the dark just pouring out everything to God that had been bothering me lately, especially the presentation. I was completely honest with Him, which helped me be honest with myself. It’s a practice I started late last year and I highly recommend it.
I have so many supporters in this, friends, family, and professors, but I still felt alone. I realized it was because I will be alone, up there, giving my presentation. At the end of the day, it’s all on me and no one can help. I felt inadequate. I never wanted to do this in the first place. How was I going to overcome these things?
I needed to talk to someone, someone who had been in my position, someone who I hadn’t already complained to a hundred times, someone who wasn’t simply another supporter. I didn’t know who that would be, though. I began thinking, and my thoughts led me to George Washington. I knew he didn’t want to be president. In fact, nothing bothered him more, but he did it. Oh boy did I wish I could talk to him. Sure, a presentation can’t measure up to running a nation, but still, it would be helpful to hear from him.
The great thing about college life is the campus library stays open super late, and it has a ton of history books. Hadn’t I seen some books containing writings by Mr. Washington himself? I made my way to the very book I needed, sat down, and opened it up. What I saw inside was a mirror.
He wrote about his selection as president several times, either as letters to friends or as a formal acceptance to congress. With each new letter, he complained about his new job more and more. Each time he did he made it clear he was not happy. Each letter expressed his desire to stay home. He even confessed he feared he was inadequate for the job! That’s right, George Washington believed he didn’t have what it took to be president. He also feared his objections would not be remembered. However, I saw something he had that I didn’t: conviction.
He always ended his rants with the conviction that it was his duty to serve the people of the United States, and he simply could not let them down.
I walked back home slowly, contemplating my “conversation” with Mr. Washington. Something else came to my mind, a quote from the movie The Princess Diaries: Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. My presentation’s thesis stated that amazing things can be accomplished when one is brave enough to act on their convictions.
What conviction did I have? None. What was more important than my fear? I didn’t know. I can’t tell you how or when it clicked for me. Actually, click is too quick a word. I gently came to a conclusion, like the steady stream of sand through an hourglass. My conviction was I wasn’t doing this for myself. In fact, now that I’m sitting in the hotel room, I don’t know why I ever thought it was about me. I’m representing my school, and I’m telling an important story. Somehow, that gave me peace for the presentation.
Once I realized that, just before getting back home last night, I happened to spot something glinting in the grass before me. I reached out and picked up a quarter, with George Washington’s profile facing me. I’m keeping this quarter, and it’s going to be in my hand every time I do something scary, to remind me to choose conviction over fear.
The situation will change, and there will be a conviction to accommodate it, but you can accomplish great things if you judge your conviction more important than your fear.
-Beth
P.S. It’s the day after the presentation and I’m feeling fantastic. It was so simple and fun, and that “large group of strangers” was a staggering crowd of 9 strangers and 4 supporters. I can’t believe I was so scared before. Yeah, the presentation wasn’t perfect, but it was good. I’m glad I did it, and even more glad it’s over. Looking back, though, I can’t believe I made such a big deal out of it. I guess when all you do is look at fear, its size can become deceiving, blocking out any glimmer of beauty from sight.
Nonetheless, I now have some new tools in my box, and that’s what’s most important. This was never about the destination, it has always been about what I can learn along the journey. I’d say I’ve learned a lot, and I can’t wait to see what God has planned for these tools He gave me.
Beth Freemont 